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13 Kryten models to be won inside I 


Cold and wet and on the Dwarf! 


J } The boyhood of a feathered fiend! 











So if s here at last - the Red Dwarf TV starvation diet is over and we're all gorging ourselves 
on the latest six episode feast. I think they're looking pretty good, but do write in and tell 
us here what you think of the new series. What do you reckon to Rimmer's hard light 
drive? Can you bear life after Holly? And when you've seen the final episode, I'd like to 
hear what you think of the shock ending! We'll be running a huge smega-survey to ask 
your opinions on just about everything Red Dwarf soon, so look out for that. 

In the meantime, we bring you more on Series 6 this issue, plus all the latest news on 
Danny John -jules's Tongue Tied video. We even have the comic strip origin of the Flibster 
himself, as we begin the epic tale of Young Flibble. and there's the usual stack of 
competitions for you to enter - beginning with the Kryten model comp below these very 
words. Oh, and enjoy your 'Starbug Pilot's Kif , which was attached to this month's Smeg. 
You may be disappointed to team that you have to supply your own Starbug key and your 
own Starbug, but hey, we'd never have managed to stick all that lot to our cover! 

Mike Butcher 


Well, spin my nipple-nuts and 
send me on a wet weekend to 
Bognor Regis, those terrific 
guys at Sevans have given us a 
whole football team of Krytens 
to pass onto you readers in 
another of our legendary 
Smegazine competitions! 
That's right, we have 13 Kryten 
model kits in all to give away: 
12 in their easy-to-assemble 
model form and one - the star 
prize! - fully assembled and 
painted and ready for action.. 

To win one of these amazingly 
lifelike 12"-high Krytens, all 
you have to do is answer the 
following multiple choice 

1 . In The Last Day, what 
was Kryten's Mechanoid 
replacement called? 

(a) Kryten 5000 

(b) Hudson 4000 
(c)Hudzen 10 

2. How many pieces does the 
Sevans Kryten model come in? 
(a) 6 


Put your answers on a postcard 
with your name and address and 
send it to: 


Red Dwarf Smegazine 
Fleetway Editions 
25-31 Tavistock Place 
London WC1H9SU 

The dosing date is December 9th 1993, so make 
sure you get your entry in by then. 

The Kryten model wilt be on sale soon in the shops at £37.95, but for now they are available exclusively by mail order 
from SEVANS. P.O. Box 34. Trowbridge. BAH 8XV at the same price, as Sevans are not charging for post or packaging. 











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with Jane Killick 

With Red Dwarf VI still looking 
great on BBC2, what everyone is 
asking is, 'will there be another 
series?' The BBC certainly want to 
see a seventh series and a 
Christmas special, and Grant Naylor 
want to make more Red Dwarf. 
What needs to be sorted 
i the logistics of cast, budget, 
scripts and time. It just remains for 
everyone to keep the relevant bits 
of their anatomy crossed that Red 
Dwarf VII doesn't fall at any of the 
hurdles. With the ending of this 
year's series, it seems inconceivable 
that there won't be more Red 
Dwarf next year. 


With the new Red Dwarf novel 

now available in the shops, \ 

Rob Grant and Doug Naylor 

touring the country signing 

copies of The Last Human. The 

dates and places are: 


London, Virgin Megastore 

Sutton (Surrey), WH Smith 

Kensington (Greater London), 

WH Smith 


Oxford, WH Smith 

Birmingham, Waterstones 


Manchester, Dillons (St Annes Sq) 

. -- is, Dillons 


•a.nburgh, Waterstones (at 

:* the three branches) 

Glasgow, John Smiths and Sons 


Check wrth the venuei 

i'c any last minute changes. 

"" ■ - v : also the possibility of a 

:^-C"e of other things going on to 

p-ai~»ote the novel. One of the 

rons »> the fire is a guest 

accearance for Rob Grant and 

I-:-j? "iaylor on Radio 4's Start The 

*«• lAondays 9am). 


■ : .' ; -,-ca, ■Christmas may never 
oe me same again, as this month 
see 3ie tauneh of a whole range 
-' -ec Dwarf greetings cards. They 
srsx'C be «"> a card shop near you, 
oct — *> ve available by mail 
otoe* too. *rom the 
wfatMHi^ Portico Designs 
'mrfic ar« also responsible for the 
C'ean^w Comferts greetings cards). 
The** are 24 different designs in 
a! . eacr one coming, complete with 
a wtt> ted Dwarf slogan, and 4 of 
tnem are p<b*«a on this page to 
gn* you an idea of the kind of 

thing you should be looking for 
the next time a smeg head you 
know has something to celebrate! 


Danny John-Jules's 
spectacular video 

for his Tongue Tied single seems to 
be expanding every day. The video 
for the single, with Danny as the 
Cat and Duane Dibbley, and 
introducing Vanessa Morris as a 
female cat character (Kit) is out in 
the shops as part of a half-hour 
tape of goodies, retailing at a 
modest £5.99. Among the cast of 
thousands who took part are Red 
Dwarf actors Craig Charles (Lister), 
Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Chris 
Barrie (Rimmer), Hattie Hayridge 
(Holly), Norman Lovett (Holly) and 
Clayton Mark (Elvis from 
Meltdown). Like the original song 
in Red Dwarfs second series, the 
sequence is part of a dream which 
is told through drama scenes either 
side of the Tongue Tied video and 

a ragga version of the single. 
That's rounded off by a ten-minute 
documentary presented by Jane 
Killick, on how the video was 
filmed, with Danny, Craig, Robert 
and Clayton, which has some really 
funny moments provided by the 
Boys from the Dwarf. Other 
people to look out for (apart from 
me!!!) are Smegazine editor, Mike 
Butcher, Smegazine artist Colin 
Howard, and some of Danny's co- 

stars from Maid 

Marian and her 
Merry Men. 


Robert (Kryten) 
Llewellyn has 
written a play 
which takes to the 
stage in London in 
Punchbag is a 

set in a women's 
self-defence class. 
At the time of 

ig, hopeful 
cast members are 
auditioning for 
the main roles. 
The initial run will 

months at the 
Theatre, and 
there's a chance it 
could transfer to 
the West End if 
it's successful. 
Robert is planning 

play starting next 

year. He will play 
almost a dozen 
characters in The 
Snag, about a "sensitive new age 
guy". Robert's very keen to do it 
because he says it's a very funny 
play. It's on at the Kings Head in 
London from the end of April. 


Danny John-Jules can be seen in a 
new production of The Piano 
Lesson by August Wilson in 
London. The play revolves around 
an ornately carved upright piano 
which is the Charles family's 
treasured possession. Danny plays 
a preacher who wants to settle 
down and start a church. You 
should be able to catch the play 
until mid-November at the Tricycle 
Theatre in Kilburn High Road. 
Danny follows that with another 

play. Playboy of the West Indies by 
Mustapha Matura in December, 
also at the Tricycle. There's a 
reduction for people booking to 
see both shows, 


The range of selling prices at 
Bonhams' recent auction of Red 
Dwarf props and costumes went 
from f 20 right up to £500. The big 
money was out for the green suit 
Rimmer wore throughout the third 
series, which sold for £500. Lister's 
silver spacesuit, which he wore 
while painting the ship in the 
opening titles, sold at £310 and a 
blue uniform from the early series 
with "C. Barrie" inscribed in the 
collar fetched £260. Although 
there were about thirty lots, some 
of the items weren't so desirable - 
for example, the boxing gloves 
worn by the young Rimmer in 
Timeslides only fetched £20, 
However, there were some 
bargains to be had, like the plaster 
casts worn by Cat and Lister in 
Thanks for the Memory, which sold 
for £40 and £50 respectively. 


The chance to construct a copy of 
Starbug in your own living room is 
being offered by model makers, 
Sevans. The model kit will include 
all the bits to make and paint 
Starbug, including the red and 
black striping for the finishing 
touch. When it's finished, it should 
stand 10 inches (25cm) tall and 13 
inches (33cm) long. The model kit 
comes from the same people who 
brought you Kryten last month. 
Hopefully the model Starbug will 
be available next month, exclusive 
to mail order to begin with - so 
watch out for the ad! 


Chris (Rimmer) Barrie is providing 
some of the voices for a cartoon 
currently running on ITV. The 
Legends of Treasure Island is based 
on the famous book by Robert 
LouisStevenson. Othercharacters' 
voices are provided by the likes of 
Dawn French, Hugh Dennis and 
Robert Powell. The cartoon can be 
seen at 4.15pm on Fridays until the 
beginning of December. 


... to Robert Llewellyn who's 
expecting to become a father as 
we go to press, and to Rob Grant 
whose wife gave birth to a baby 
girl in August. 

. it's the game of 

the yean- 34! 

• it's argonaut's next 

in tour de force 

and you've never even heard of it! 

This wholly 
remarkable magazine for 
Super Nintendo, Game 
Boy and NES owners is 

on sale NOW 

it's the thought that counts 



In Red Dwarf VI, Rimmer gets to touch things, makes clones of himself, 
gets locked in a dungeon for 600 years, becomes barefist-fighting 
Dangerous' Dan McGrew; he even ages twenty years and, at one 
point, turns into Ace Rimmer. The man who had to wear an 'H' on 
his forehead for all six episodes was Chris Barrie. Jane Killick 
talked to him about Red Dwarf's latest series just a couple of 
weeks after filming had been completed... 

\ it ore tnan a vear after the fiftn series 

\/ 1 was made, the Dwarfers were 
I V I re-united in Red Dwarf Vl's first 
pisode, Psirens. "I think we were all 
inding our feet again after 15 months of 
iot doing the show," says Chris, "so I'll be 
iterested to see how that one comes out. 
ome great work in it, but not one of my 
avourite episodes. But a good idea, a 
iood concept." 

It is in the first episode when Rimmer's 
tologramatic status causes him problems as 
lis battery runs down and he fades away, 
saving only his light bee behind. This was 
to remind people that he is a hologram," 
ays Chris, "and the old holopack, like a car 
lattery, can sometimes die. A lot of people 
ay there's not enough things like that in it, 
md maybe that's why they introduce things 
ike that, just to keep those people quiet." 

There's more fun with Rimmer's 
lo'ogramatic form in the second episode, 
.egion. With the gift of a hard-light drive, 
timmer is able to pick things up. The 
>rigtnal idea from writers Rob Grant and 
)oug Naylor was for Rimmer to return to 
lis soft-light form at the end of the 
■pisode, but they liked the 
oncept so much, it 
tayed for the rest of the 
eries. "It was a relief 
o be able to 

behave normally and touch things... It's 
one of those things where you can imagine 
Rob and Doug saying 'well, how are we 
going to make Rimmsey touch things? I 
know, get a hard-light drive.' That's the 
great thing with science fiction, you can 
do anything." 

The hard-light drive made a "great 
scene" possible, with Kryten trying to 
knock Rimmer unconscious by repeatedly 
hitting him over the head, but Chris says 
he would have liked to have spent more 
time on it. It was filmed late at night, 
with studio time ticking away by the 
second. "It would have been so 
lovely to be able to spend a long 
time over it, a scene that is 
tailor-made for timing 
and comedy and 

And we'd all had a long day, and to try and 
shoot it, something of such importance [in 
such a short time, was] difficult and 

With Red Dwarf being such a packed 
and complicated show, time was often 
short during the eight weeks of recording. 
In the third episode, Emohawk - Polymorph 
II, the scenes in the GELF village were 
filmed at night after a full-day of filming 
other inserts in the studio. "That wasn't a 
bad night, that was tropical compared to 
the sand bank (in Rimmer World]*. But that 
was a long night, a long 
day. One of the longest 
we've ever had, really, but 
quite fun. The end 
sight by then. Again, some 
nice performances by the 
GELFs. It was quite a good 
story really. The little 
polymorph came back, 
brought Duane Dibbly 
back - hilarious! And Ace 
came back." 

Ace Rimmer is, perhaps, 
Chris's greatest 
characterisation in the 
history of Red Dwarf, but it 
was hard to live up to the 
success of the original from 
Dimension Jump. "It 
in a weird kind of way an 
anti-climax," says Chris. "I 
think I would have liked to 
have had the same 
uniform and everything, 
and it wasn't the same wig 
as last time. You'd be 
surprised at how much 
difference that can make. 
That was a pretty good 
wig we used, the other 
wig. But the wig we had 
in the fourth series was a 
super wig, it looked like 
normal hair. With 
someone like Ace, who's 
got to look right, if it looks 
too 'wiggy' then it looks 
like Chris Barrie playing 
this sort of character, 
whereas the wig 
good in series four. 
Dimension Jump, that the 
whole thing really had a 
magic about it. But it was 
fun to do the character 

The episode that tops 
the Red Dwarf VI charts for 

Chris Barrie and most of the production 
team is Gunmen of the Apocalypse, where 
they got the chance to become cowboys 
for a day. "They were good, the horses, 
fulfilling your dreams of being a cowboy 
was wonderful and some good 
performances by the guests and a fun 
story. I think everyone rose to the occasion 
in that one and made the best of what we 
could do. We had a beautiful day down in 
Laredo, with Gerard the stunt-man, a good 

egg, doing the biz." 

They not only had the chance to dress 
up as cowboys, but they got to pose on 
horse-back too. "Frightening," Chris 
admits. "I'd never ridden a horse and the 
most frightening moment was that last, the 
fly-past bit. Danny went 'yee-hah!' and the 
horses know what that means! And off 
they bloody-well went! But that was fun. I 
had a good outfit for that one, I liked that 

Gunmen was all filmed in a real cowboy 
village built for tourists. With the Red 

Dwarf cast famed for having a laugh and 
mucking about at every opportunity, there 
were doubts that all the scenes would get 
filmed. "I remember everyone saying, 'oh, 
it's going to be a hell of a day'," Chris says. 
"We wasted about 45 minutes to start 
with, but after that everyone was so 
excited that the weather was so good and 
everything was how it should be, that 
everyone was panicking over what they 
were going to do. But once we got it 

down, we got it moving pretty quickly and 
everyone was good. The horses were well- 
behaved. One of them fell over at one 
point, I don't know why... falling asleep on 
his feet or something, but he just fell over. 
Quite funny, quite odd. There was a bit of 
mucking about, but when you get a gun 
holster in your hand and there's bullets am 
there's horses and those buildings there, it 
was just fun." 

Rimmer truly has the world at his feet 
when he is the genesis of a colony on a 
previously uninhabited planet. His 

megalomania hits new height 
when the whole population 
on Rimmer World is based on 
his personality. Venturing 
outside to film his first arrival 
on the planet was an 
uncomfortable experience for 
the actor. "It was freezing on 
that sand bank, that's what I 
remember of that," he says 
bluntly. "Bloody freezing! 
The wind-chill factor, I think, 
was the extraordinary thing. I 
had thermals on underneath, 
but [it was] just a wild, windy 

Almost as bad as standing 
naked in an English forest on 
a cold day in early March? 
Fortunately, Chris was saved 
that trial because the newly- 
born Rimmer who bursts from 
an egg on Rimmer World was 
a stand-in. "It wasn't me," 
Chris confirms. "He didn't 
look anything like me at all, 
but it will be hopefully a very 
brief shot... He must have 
been freezing, he looked 
quite cold, but he was a bit of 
a commando, he was used to 
that kind of thing." 

There was a good 
moment, too, when he had to 
kiss one of the concubines in 
the Rimmer World Court. In 
reality, she was an actress, but 
by the magic of the editing, 
she appeared to be another 
Rimmer clone. "I had to snog 
myself, which looked really 
grim," says Chris. "It was cut 
quite well, it looked quite 
creepy, but it didn't feet 
creepy because I was actually 
kissing the girl." 

Like many episodes in the 
sixth series, Chris feels Rimmer 
World would have been 
better if it had had more 
rehearsal and filming time. 
Things were being slightly rushed, I 
' ink," he says. "I don't think there was 
enough time put into the Rimmer World 
Emperor and those kind of people. We 
could have done so many super things with 
the concubines and all that sort of 
business... In something like Rimmer 
World, maybe it needed the quality, 
because maybe it might not be as strong in 
some of the other directions." 

The last episode of the series saw 
another costume for Rimmer, but this one 
was less flattering as he was aged into a 
rather unpleasant, fat character. "The 

padding is hot," says Chris, who had to 
spend a day under the studio lights dressed 
up as an obese Rimmer. "The novelty of 
getting the laughs and walking around like 
a fat git wore off... It was quite weird 
seeing the ideas of aging. I'll keep those 
little photographs and think when I get to 
50 or 55 or whatever, and look upon it. I 
think if I look like 1 look there facially it'll 
be all right, but I hope I don't put that 
much weight on!" 

Out of Time also gave Chris Barrie the 
chance to get to grips with some gritty 
acting with a death scene. "That was 
enjoyable, all of that," he says. "I had to 
do a bit of acting there which was quite 
fun. What happened was exactly right, as 
someone said. The first death there'll be a 

very sensible, as we saw. Really you should 
learn them, it's the best way. Mastering 
the art of using a prompter or a board is 
very different to acting. It's nice to know 
the line and act it one hundred per cent, 
but if you get the scripts that late, what 
can you do?" 

Chris believes a lot of the problems 
could be solved through more resources 
and having a leading figure in control, like 
Producers Paul Jackson and Ed Bye in 
earlier series. "I'd like to see it have more 
time and money. I'd like to see one strong 
person at the helm of the production 
because I think a lot of direction by 
committee is not a good way forward and 
it presents the crews and the artists with a 
tremendous amount of confusion and 

the production." 

But Chris acknowledges it is still a 
mould-breaking programme: "Red Dwarf's 
right up there, being very esoteric and 
different and funny, and a work of 
genius," he says. 

So with discussions about a possible 
seventh series underway, is Chris keen to 
come back? "I'm keen to do more Red 
Dwarf," he says tentatively. "The thing 
about Red Dwarf, it is an exciting show on 
paper, the scripts, the stories in many ways 
make the struggles worthwhile, but I think 
this series has shown they can't keep being 
made like that. We thought the fifth series % 
was, 'well, it's getting a bit difficult this = 

year isn't it?' We thought that was maybe % 
because Ed wasn't around, a new Director g 

bit of a titter Ifrom the studio audience), 
but you've got to make them believe they 
could all be out here. I think they 
eventually did believe it, they got into the 
drama of the occasion, and then the next 
laugh in the sequence is 'Smeg, I'm a hero'. 
Again, they were almost laughing after the 
word 'Sm..', it was that kind of an 
audience. But it was fun using the old 
oazookoids, I never get to use the 
bazoofcoids. but yes, it was a nice ending. 
And of course, it leaves it all open for the 

Arrough Red Dwarf VI is arguably one 
of the best series since the show began, 
Chns s crrticaJ of the way it was produced 
the year When the B8C said they wanted 
Red Dwarf VI finished by the Spring, the 
writers were forced into a tight schedule, 
which meant some of the scripts were close 
to the deadline. Towards the end of seven 
weeks of filming, the cast were given little 
time to learn their lines. 'We had a bit of 
help with the boards and things, which is 

ultimately wastes a lot of time. If there's 
no other way but to have direction by 
committee, then the actual Director who's 
on that committee must be someone like 
Ed Bye who is going to drive the show 
along, who's got the confidence and the 
wherewithal! and the sensitivity and the 
general man-management skills required." 
And with the science fiction element of 
the show becoming more complicated, 
Chris suggests that having a studio 
audience there is creating bigger problems. 
"It is getting more and more difficult, it 
seems, to do it in front of an audience: (a) 
because of the time factor, we haven't 
enough rehearsal; and (b) because there's 
visual effects. Then everyone gets in a 
vaudevillian situation, when you've got 
two-and-a-half hours recording time and 
you're doing a show, people get a bit 
tetchy and adrenaline pumps and you can 
almost have accidents. So I think it would 
be good for everyone if there was more 
time... Questions have to be asked about 

and then no Director for a few of them. So 
we thought 'things will get better next 
year'. Next year has come along and, if 
anything, things are slightly worse. Now, 
earlier on I've outlined what I think it is, I 
think it's if you did have an Ed Bye figure, 
he would get the scripts in early so we'd 
have enough time to do it properly. When 
you've got the boys in complete control, 
there's no one to hurry them along with 
the scripts, apart from their agent. Then 
you will always get their style of 
production, which is by committee and 
slowly inching forward and sometimes 
keeping people in the dark. I've said it to 
them several times over the last two 
months, to their faces. I've decided if 
you've got an opinion, I just say it these 
days because at least people will know 
where you stand. When it affects us, the 
cast, who sometimes I believe were being 
taken for granted. So yes I'd like to do 
another Red Dwarf, but under very 
different circumstances."* 

the junior encyclopedia 

the remarkable 

RED DWARF databank 






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I " I 1 1 ,Vi ' I ■* l a ''l*i 

iriVh ill 

hiss [«! n» mini' II .iiiitsim... 

[ni mm* | i) i I 

I Hi I jji il i i|i I i|i|iiiii 

■,'MlMW BhmeVi what's the 

problem here? They're only robots, for smeg's sake. 

Or do you give names to your hi-fi systems?! 

IHtWi'KIJIhMttl .-. . Rimmer refers to two of them 
as Pinky and Perky, whilst Kryten has been heard to 
address a third as Bob. Given the way the Skutters 
themselves feel about those two crew members, it seems 
pretty certain that the latter name is a lot more 

|<ijJ32il£9 Low level service robots. 

IHKHIHMIMiJil General cleaning duties and routine 
maintenance work aboard the mining ship Red Dwarf. 
This work is usually unsupervised, or at least conducted 
under the minimal guidance of the ship's computer Holly. 
However, it is not wise for the crew to rely totally on this 
independence, as witness the incident when one Skutter 
went bananas and rewired the auto-destruct sequence to 
an unsuspecting vending machine! 

LliluluSfl An early and cheap type of mechanoid, the 
Skutters were designed to cope with those simple, run-of- 
the-mill tasks that human beings just couldn't be bothered 
with. In its infinite wisdom, the Jupiter Mining 
Corporation decided to equip Red Dwarf with an 
unspecified number of the machines (once quoted as four, 
although this now seems an unlikely and highly 
conservative estimate). Of course, they still had to employ 
Second and Third Technicians such as Rimmer and Lister 
for the jobs that even the Skutters wouldn't touch. Lister 
once joked that they had a better union than the 
technicians did! 

iJJlJ Naturally, the Skutters were programmed 
at their construction stage with the information they 
needed for their job, however Rimmer is keen to extend 
thai education and frequently can be found directing his 
unwilling slaves in a variety of useless tasks. Favourites 
■nciude the constant repainting of Red Dwarf's corridor 
waits m a series of identical colours. 

sightedness of their designer enabled them to twist their 
three-fingered claws into two-gered salutes. Naturally, 
this skill has been frequently exercised since the day 
Rimmer became Red Dwarf's 'senior' officer! 

]j[tI=lHI jjfl Theoretically, none. As Rimmer often has to 

remind them, "Skutters don't have time off!" In practice 
though, we all know how much weight his word carries! 
So, while relaxing off-duty (or indeed, on-duty), the 
Skutters enjoy nothing more than a good game of 
cowboys and indians in the cargo bay. Failing that, they 
are often to be found watching old Westerns on the silver 
screen. Suspicious though he may be, Rimmer finds it hard 
to dispute that the ship's cinema needs cleaning every 
Sunday afternoon! Rimmer does, typically, break his own 
rules on occasion and he allows the Skutters periods of 
'rest', in which they are able to challenge him at games of 
draughts. Despite their low intelligence, Rimmer proves 
no match for any of them... though the Skutters have yet 
to win a game, due to his uncanny prowess in the field of 

I'.IWiWiVlltt ■■■■■■ 

liWHflllUMMI Inhn IMwnP rert^inlv The Skutters 

have also had their more rebellious traits nurtured by one 
Dave Lister, to whom they look as their only protection 
against the hated A J Rimmer. 

IWrilYh'ftKMlIHMIMI Their own pink-painted 
equivalents in the female-dominated parallel universe, 
with whom they made beautiful music - and beautiful 
miniature Skutters! 

I Not all that many, really - the Skutters were not 
designed for great acts of achievement or expression. 
Nevertheless, Rimmer rues the day that the short- 

HQZ&2BHMI1 Naturally, the Skutters are 
long-standing members of the John Wayne fan club. 
Packages from this organisation arrive regularly on Red 
Dwarf via the post pod. 

[■ULilliiluifl To dance on Rimmer's hologramatic grave 
and to enjoy thereafter the freedom of the entire ship in 
which to indulge their more playful desires. 

©any good books lately! 


by Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman 
(Corgi E4.99) 

something a little 
different; a fantasy 
Cook updated for the 
20th Century. It Stan 
Aiiraphale. an angel 

bookshop and Crowley. 

earphone. Allthe 
trappings of a 'Heaven 
Vs Hell' mythological, 
romp are present, but sc 
too are the trappings of I 
everyday life and thi 
effect that such a w, 




- With Robert Ueweltyn 

Certificate: 18 

(Spittoon Productions £12.99} 

NOTE FOR 5MEG HEADS: Before you write in and tell us 
that this is a video not a book, don't bother because 
we've noticed already. We've decided to review it on 
this page anyway I 

The last people you would expect to know about sex are 
a group of rubber puppets created in a workshop. Yet 
here they are to tell you everything you never wanted 
to know about sex and would never dare to ask. No 
rubber facsimile of a public figure is too grand to be left 
out of this video. They're all there from the Queen and 
lohn Major, to the Pope and Mary Whitehouse. Helping 
them out are several comedians in the form of Red 
Dwarfs Robert Llewellyn, Mark Thomas and Jo Brand. 
The comedians don't actually appear with the 

Spitting Image puppets 
(unless you include 
Robert Llewellyn's 
encounter with a late* 
rubber version of a 

regions), but do their 

between sketches with 
the puppets. Robert 

Basically, it goes li 

Crowley and Aiiraph* 

alliance. They don't waste their energies on fighting 
anymore and they even cover for each other every so 
often. They naturally find themselves partnered then, 
when their respective bosses decide that it's time for the 
big one; the all-out showdown that wilt probably end 
all life on earthl Well, after all, they're both earth- 
bound agents, they both have a slake in what goes on 
and they're both prepared to put their lives on their line 

However, things go wrong all of their own accord- 
starting with the mix-up at the convent in which the 
anti-Christ is delivered to the wrong family! And where 
does Agnes Nutter fit into the puttie? Agnes, a 17th 
Century prophetess from Lancashire predicted the exact 
that the world would end. It's next Saturday in fart, just 
after tea. And, as with all Agnes's prophesies, she was 
completely and totally right. 

Sounds strange? It should... Good Omens is a very 
strange book. It's also very witty and a great deal of 
fun to read. The 20th Century setting works extremely 
well, both in terms of humour and within the context of 
the plotllne. After all. why should angels and demons 
be confined to the past? Even the Four Horsemen of 
the Apocalypse have found more modern ways to wreak 
their havoc. Famine, for instance, has opened up a fast- 
food chain, dispensing burgers with no nutritional 
value, whilst War is running arms to the world's most 
notorious battle zones. 

If you're a fan of Gaiman's Sandman comic, or 
Pratchett's Discworld novels, or if you just like an 
unusual story and a good laugh into the bargain, then 
Good Omens is well worth the cover price. But please 
remember the timely warning given at the start of the 
book: "Bringing about Armageddon can be dangerous, 
do not attempt it in your own home." 


dispose of i 

condom and the most inappropriate time to fart. It's 
very silly, but sort of fun. And yes, girls, he does expose 
his full frontal naked body. 

The Spitting Image sketches themselves are just the 
sort of thing you would expect, amusing in places but 
mostly fairly base sexual humour that on the whole fails 
to be funny. However, it includes all the best puppets. I 
especially liked the Pope confessing his sexual thoughts 
to himself, and I Still find the Mr Spock puppet amusing, 
even If he is having problems with his penis. 

This video is certainty worthy of its IB certificate. It's 
fairly disgusting and not my cup of tea. but if you like 
Spitting Image and cheap sexuat jibes, or if you're just 
curious to know what Robert Llewellyn looks like in the 
raw, this video could be for you. 



by Peter David 
(Tit. m Books £4.99) 

I often wonder if it's actually possible anymore to read 
one Star Trek book before the next is pumped out. Not 
being the world's greatest fan of the series, I decided 
long ago that it wasn't worth the effort of finding out. 
However, I recently decided to make an exception. I did 
this for two reasons. Firstly, a number of friends had 
been recommending Vendetta to me incessantly. 
Secondly, Peter David writes a mean Spectacular 
Spiderman. As it turns out. he's just as good when it 
comes to writing prose. 

Vendetta is the second giant novel in the Net! 
Generation series. It deals with the return of the Borg, 
perhaps the most powerful threat the Enterprise D has 
ever had to face. At the time of the book's release, the 
Borg had only appeared twice on screen, most notably 



sequel to this particular 
story than the television 
effort I, Borg. It's hard 
in any media to bring 
back such a near- 
defeating them and yet 
still maintain their 
credibility. But. by the 

Borg are the same 
unstoppable menaces 
that they were at the 

feat in itself. 

Those same friends 
who recommended 
Vendetta enthused 

about its excellent continuity. This book takes us back 
to lean-Luc Plcard's days at the Academy, revisits Dr 
Kate Pulaski (Beverley Crusher's replacement in Season 
Two) and ties in with an episode from the original Star 
Trek series, referring to numerous Next Generation 
episodes along the way. Knowing all this, I put off 
buying the book for quite a while. Having now taken 
the plunge, though. I can happily confirm that the 
continuity references aren't half so intrusive as they 
sound. You don't have to be an obsessive Trekkie to 
understand what's happening, but if you are. then 
you'll probably appreciate this book all the more. 

Vendetta is everything that a Star Trek book should 
be and. indeed, it puts many of the television episodes 
to shame. If you're still trying to work out where to 
start on that ridiculously large mountain of Trek books 
and novel isations. then you could do worse than check 
this one out first. 



by Leah Rewolinski 
(Boxtree £2.99) 

"Positively unauthoris 

and unintelligent! " is 
how this book describes 
itself and the truth in 
the final assertion is a 


thick with jokes, 
wordplays and pu 

which the hi 

>r slight 


I of a certain US TV science fiction 
show Barely a single cliche from the original Star Trek 
series or The Next Generation escapes the attention of 
the author of this book and there is at least one major 
first. Anyone waiting for the ultimate team-up of the 
old and new crews of the Enterprise, perhaps something 
we may see in Star Tretr VII. need look no further than 
Star Wreck: The Generation Gap as Captain Smirk 
returns to action after 86 years in retirement along 
with his old muckers, Mr Smock and the rest of the old 
crew. Following some wise investments. Smirk has 
acquired a controlling interest in Starfreak Command 
and, much to the chagrin of Captain lean-Lucy Ricardo 
and his First Officer. Wilhelm Piker, he wants the U.S.S. 
Endochrine back. 

The conflict between the style of the two crews does 
produce some amusing moments, as Smirk can't resist 
the opportunity to 'pull' Deanna Troit and Piker is 
continually on the lookout for an opportune moment to 
strike a dramatic pose. Most of the lead characters are 
parodied quite accurately here and this is one of the 
book's chief successes. The trouble is (and after reading 
the last few sentences you may have noticed this 
already), the efforts made by the author to avoid 
ending up in court for breach of copyright make for a 
tedious succession of names and references that sound 
almost like their genuine Trek equivalents, but actually 
belong in a bad Carry On., film. Now. I don't know 

laugh at names like Mr Snot or Ensign Flusher and for 
me it made this book, short as it is, quite hard going. 

It you like Star Trek and you're in desperate need of 
something silly to read, it'll cost you less than three 
pounds to try this book for yourself, but my 
recommendation is that you save up a couple more quid 
and buy a proper Trek novel instead. 






Red Dwarf On Location 

C:. "_:":" r-oss was a very expensive 
Amenca<vtnglish co-produced 
~~z^.s ~. raTia II was a dismal 
-i .--. :■.*. - : 3 Red Dwarf a favour by 
l e awnq behind one of its sets. 

The GELF village seen in the Series 6 
episode fmohaw* - Polymorph II actually 
stands in the grounds of Shepperton 
Studios, just around the corner from the 
sound stage where most of Red Dwarf is 
filmed. With a few added extras, it was 
transformed from a medieval village into a 
collection of huts belonging to a tribe of 

Genetically Engineered Life Forms. 

Unusually for a television programme, it 
was the location that came before the 
script. "Yes, absolutely," affirms writer 
Rob Grant. "We wanted to use it in 
Rimmer World and the logistics wouldn't 
allow us to get round to it. We'd had the 
idea for a long time of them having to 
trade in this settlement where Lister's 
forced to stay." 

The location filming comes at the end 
of a very long day for the crew and cast 
who have been in the studio most of the 

day. It has to be filmed outside at night 
where it is cold, dark and getting colder. 
In between scenes the cast put their coats 
on over their costumes in an attempt to 
keep warm. 

For the first scene of the evening, Chris 
Barrie is so snug and warm inside his coat, 
he only remembers to take it off when he 
is prompted by the Floor Manager. 

The Floor Manager, Simon Wallace, has 
been the butt of many jokes during the 
making of the series. It began when Chris 
Barrie started to do an impression of him. 


The idea caught on and by the fifth week, all the 
cast are doing impressions of him. It has now 
come to the stage where nobody can be certain if 
it is Simon giving directions, or the actors 
mucking about. At one point Craig Charles 
proclaims the videotape is "running and stable" 
in his best Simon impression. "No, we're not!" 
cries Simon, as he has visions of the crew 
launching into a scene without the tape running. 

Another hazard for film-makers, apart from 
the confusion generated by impersonating the 
Floor Manager, is planes flying overhead. Engine 
noise can ruin a take, and a passing aircraft is 
about the only thing that will stop the crew in 
their tracks. Robert Llewellyn says he just hopes 
the pilots don't mistake the film lights for landing 

The GELFs don't speak English, but language is 
no problem for the Dwarfers, because Kryten can 
translate. However, it is a problem for Robert 
Llewellyn, who has a fiendishly difficult script to 
remember. He jokingly remarks to one of the 
writers, Doug Naylor: "I've never complained 
about a line before, but a foreign language!" 
Somehow he and the GELFs manage to get the 
hang of the alien syllables for most of the 

Kryten's translating skills are needed so they 
can trade for an oxygen generation unit. One of 
the items Lister offers to the GELFs in exchange is 
a cigar, but on the first run through, the cigar 
doesn't look very impressive, so Craig Charles 
lights it with his cigarette lighter. He puts it in his 


pocket ready for the next take, but when Lister 
reaches for the cigar, it is missing. It has fallen 
inside his overalls! Suddenly. Craig starts dancing 
around and delving inside his overalls for the cigar 
which is burning his skin! 

With the cigar rescued from an encounter with 
Craig's private parts, they run through the scene 
again. This time, after they have made their initial 
trade and are following the GELF Chief to his hut, 
Craig calls behind him, "Cat, get the case!" The 
Director, Andy DeEmmoney, steps in... "That's not 
much like the script," he says, but the idea of Cat 
having to struggle alone with the case is funny 
enough to get itself filmed. 

The next scene is the big one - Lister's wedding. 
It ends with Lister's GELF bride carrying him off into 
her hut. Danny John-Jules takes one look at the 
size of the GELF and the size of the doorway and 
says there's "no way" they are both going to make 
it. Craig thinks he ought to discuss it with his wife- 
to-be and starts talking to one of the actors in GELF 
make-up, but it turns out to be the wrong one! 
"They all look the same, these Yetis!" Craig says 
and walks off in search of his real future wife. 
There are several elements to the wedding scene 
and all have to come together for the perfect take. 
The first time the bouquet is thrown, it lands on 

^nrte^ s head. The second time, the 
>r&r.or senses things are not going 
w'eajy and calls "hold it!", just as Kryten 
■s 9o*Tg to throw a handful of confetti. 
=■-" tstoo ate and bits of coloured paper 
*o*tdo«»t over the happy couple. Each 
p*ce o* confetb has to be cleared away 
before ttwy can start the scene all over 

The danci of the scene is the kiss 
between Lisaer and his wife. The GELF 
(who 8 actua ry Steven Wickham, a very 
Urge actor wearing a lot of make-up) 
throws her arms around her husband for a 
b*g snog. 1 was coughing up a fur ball for 
itc^s- - : _- ;~t".-. i z- sa a Craig 
Charles later "H was funny though, the 
first time I've eve*- kissed a guy * After the 
romantic embrace. Craig Charles 
announces to Chns Barr-e. 'We're french- 
ktssmg in show six * Chris's immediate 
reaction is to call "re-wrrte", so maybe it is 

just as well Craig is only pulling his leg! 

It's getting colder and later, but there 
are still two more scenes to fiim - when 
they approach and when they leave the 
GELF village through the forest. These are 
filmed close by on a piece of land that 
looks like a neglected, overgrown corner, 
but tight camera work makes it look like 
woodland. These scenes are saved until 
last because they don't involve the GELFs 
and those actors can go home. 

The Dwarfers make their way through 
the woodland as the Emohawk flies above 
them. The movement of the Emohawk is 
simulated by a twig attached to a long 
pole which the effects man, Paul 
McGuinness, waves over the top of the 
actors. He has to reach up so far holding 
the pole that he loses his footing, over- 
balances and falls head-over-heels down 
the bank he was standing on. "That's the 
best effects shot all day! " quips one of the 

film crew. 

While the filming is going on, a large 
pile of pizzas arrive from a local take- 
away. They represent a banquet to the 
bunch of cold and tired people hanging 
around an alien village at gone 1 1 o'clock 
at night. Some start to tuck in as the cast 
are still performing in front of the camera, 
but they've spotted the pizzas too, and are 
anxious to finish the scene. Robert 
Llewellyn instructs the Director, "don't say 
'cut', say 'pizza'!" 

One of the film crew produces a gas fire 
from somewhere (I'm not kidding!) and 
everyone gathers round it during the pizza 
break. Even Robert Llewellyn, who 
normally finds it difficult to eat because of 
his mask, wraps up pizza portions into 
little balls and crams them into his mouth. 
He claims that in the scenes filmed after 
the pizza break, you can actually see pizza 
juice running down his chin! 

"They all look the 
same, these Yetis!" 

Before the evening is over, Kryten has 
several more speeches including the GELF 
language. He is given a helping hand by 
having some of his lines written on 
boards., but at one point Robert realises 
he has called the tribe by the word that is 
supposed to mean "blessed". It would 
take up valuable time to re-film the scene, 
so they decide to swap the names round 
and within the space of minutes the tribe 
become the "Khankhset" instead of the 

The mix-up might have something to do 
with the shots of rum which were being 
passed around the crew to keep everyone 
warm. "I'd just had a drink of tea with 
rum in it and I don't drink, so I was 
completely pissed," Robert Llewellyn 
confessed afterwards. "It's actually much 
easier being Kryten when I'm absolutely 
sozzled, I mean I can't do the walk or the 
lines or anything, I didn't know what was 
going on." 

The final scene of the night is where the 
Dwarfers approach the village carrying the 
chest. They have trouble carrying it 
because it's very heavy and as soon as 
Craig picks it up, the handle breaks off. 
The only way he can pick it up now is to 
hold it from underneath. 

As they walk through the forest, an 
arrow flies out of the woodland and lands 
in the chest. This is a trick shot where 
everything has to be recorded backwards. 
The arrow is stuck in the chest with a wire 
attached to it, then somebody behind the 
camera yanks at the wire, which pulls the 
arrow out of the chest. When the tape is 
run backwards, it appears they have been 
shot at. It takes several attempts to make 
the arrow look convincing, but once 
they've done it, "it's a wrap!" 

By the time the crew start to pack up, it 
is midnight. It has been a long day, and if 
it hadn't been for the pizzas, the gas fire 
and a shot of rum, some people may not 
have made it to the end. 





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Kevin Coslner 

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The Cure 

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Tom Cruise 

Luke Perry 

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the woodcutter and 'hie wife mere very happy, but tbi 
one email thing - they'd actually wanted a girl. . . 

And the, mindecape. trembled | 
aethe- Psi-Moon reacted to 
Fltbbte'9 mental state and 
began to subtly reconfigure. I 

to be continued. . . 

Hello, out there. If you're reading 
this, then you're probably an alien 
lifeform. I expect you have six 
breasts and five eyes, and a skin 
hue resembling that of the Incredible Hulk. 
You might even possess other, 
indescribably alien features, such as a nose 
on the top of your head or a mouth in the 
middle of your back, or something equally 
fantastic and alienesque. And you've also, 
no doubt, used your amazing telekinetic 
powers to salvage this, my own personal 
diary, from the pulverised remains of our 
Starbug vessel. Let me explain why: 

Well, obviously, Starbug hasn't quite 
been pulverised yet... else I wouldn't be 
standing here, dictating this now. It's only 
a matter of time, though. You see, we're 
heading full-tilt through space in an 
attempt to catch up to the mining ship Red 
Dwarf. We've been separated from our 
parent ship for quite a while... several 
hundred years by my watch as a matter of 
fact. Call me a pessimist, but I'm beginning 
to think we might never see it again. 

Of course, it's all the fault of those other 
three. I'm trapped on a ship full of smeg 
heads, none of them capable of so much as 
sneezing correctly without instructions 
from yours truly. Firstly, there's the Cat; a 
mutated moggy with a clothing fetish, who 
spends most of his time either sleeping or 
preening. Absolutely no use to the mission 
whatsoever, the best thing we could do 
with him is to throw him in the airlock and 
t him into deep space. It'd be a 
- for the last three weeks, he's 
o«n keeping us awake nightly with the 
■^os: cacophonic screeching I've heard since 
i O e aio y ed Lister's Rasta Billy Skank tapes! 
He s pong for his suits, of course - when 
«w heft Red Dwarf, we expected to back in 
t how or less, so the Cat brought 
r or five outf its to keep him 

Kryten. at least, is a bit more useful - 
that 6. so long as you want your shirt 
ironing or the lavatory disinfected. In an 
actual oo— hat situation, this plastic moron 
is about as lost as a wrestling enthusiast in 
a library. If s a good job I'm around to take 
charge, afthough I sometimes detect a little 
dissension in Kryten's manner If I ever 
confirm that "smeeee-heeee" means what I 

think it does, then I'm slapping a charge on 
him immediately. 

I've saved the worst until last: Dave 
Lister, last survivor from the missing, 
presumed dead planet earth... though I 
must stress right away that he by no means 
deserves to be. We're talking here about a 
man who's greatest contribution to 
civilisation is the invention of the curry- 
flakes breakfast cereal; a man who snores 
like a buzz-saw grinding through metal; 
whose body odour resembles nothing more 
than the inside of a peanut packet and 
whose underpants are a whole new kind of 
lifeform, probably several steps further up 
the evolutionary scale than he is. Please, 
please, do not judge the human race on 
this one remaining specimen; there are 
shredded bits of plankton drifting on 
earth's oceans who deserve that honour 
more than Lister does! 

All I can say is, thank God for me; to say 
I'm the only half-decent, remotely useful 
member of this crew of clapped-out 
delinquents is the understatement of the 
millenium. Despite the cruel fate that has 
reduced me to hologramatic status, it's 

invariably old Rimmsey here who has to 
pull the fat out of the fire. I'm also the 
only person with any sense of 
responsibility, hence the fact that a record 
such as this one has been left unvoiced 
until now. My recent acquisition of a hard 
light body has enabled me to attend to 
such matters myself, and I feel it important 
that, when Lister and his cronies do finally 
succeed in reducing us to space dust, there 
remains at least some permanent record of 
our presence in this life. 

I will continue, then, to update this log 
in the months and years to come. I hope it 
will prove useful to your race's historians, 
particularly should any of them consider 
documenting, say, my own not 
inconsiderable contribution to history. For 
that reason, I will try my very best to put 
across as completely accurate and utterly 
truthful a picture of events as I am able. 

This is Space Adventurer Rear Admiral 
Lieutenant Arnold Jonathan Rimmer, Esq, 
B.S.C, S.S.C., Commander-in-Chief of the 
Space Corps vessel Red Dwarf, signing off 
for now... 


The Making of a Pop Promo. 

Not in living memory has such an 
ambitious project been produced on 
such an unambitious budget. 
Everyone on the project has given up their 
weekend to be involved in Danny John- 
Jules's Tongue Tied video for free - from 
the cameraman and the producer, to the 
twenty-or-so models enticed down at the 
promise of stardom, and, of course, the 
Red Dwarf cast. Kryten and Lister in the 
shape of Robert Llewellyn and Craig 
Charles have turned up not entirely sure 
what they're going to do. 

"Craig's going to be very miserable," 
jokes Robert, "because Danny's the 
Director, so we need to give Danny an 
enormous amount of unpleasantness." 

"We're going to be petulant," adds 

"5troppy," Robert agrees. "I'm going to 
be the major prima-donna..." he becomes 
semi-serious for a second. "No, we'll be 
very nice and all love each other." 

It's five years since Danny first 
performed Tongue T/ed with his fellow 
Dwarfers in the second series of Red Dwarf. 
In the space of those five years, the song 
has refused to die. "Ever since I did it, most 
of the letters I ever got, nearly every letter 
asked about Tongue Tied," says Danny. 
"The kids really wanted Tongue Tied, I'm 
not doing anything that they really didn't 
want to see." 

In the 90s version, Danny is once again 
playing the Cat from Red Dwarf, and he is 
joined by a female cat, Kit, played by 
model Vanessa Morris. Every time he tries 
to speak to her, he just gets tongue tied. 
"It's the same thing, really," Danny says 
about his new video. "It's still set in a 
dream which is the way it was originally 

The main Tongue Tied video being made 
for the likes of Top of the Pops is one of 
several dream sequences being especially 
recorded for the longer version available in 
the shops. In it, Danny plays several 
characters, as the story moves from bits of 
drama into music. 

One of those music sections, a ragga 
version of Tongue Tied, is being recorded 
in the morning before the main promo. 
Danny starts the day by having a friend of 
his, who just happens to be a barber, shave 
his head. He carves the word 'Tabby' into 
the back of his hair and turns him into 
Tabby Ranks'. "He's basically dreaming 
that he's a big ragga star," explains Danny. 
"It's kind of like a Top of the Pops kind of 
feel. You've got a lot of the ragga artists 
that are on Top of the Pops now and Joe 
Public's at home saying 'what is he saying?' 
but they just know 'Tease me, tease me, 
tease me' or 'shabba'." 

There's a lot of 
pressure on Danny's 
shoulders because he is 
not only performing, 
but directing as well. 
"I'm nervous as hell, 
you know," he says. 
"There's a lot of people 
{and I have] to keep 
expectations up." 

It only takes a 
couple of hours to film 
this with Danny 
performing on stage 
with a ragga band, 
models, a load of 
children (mostly his 
relatives) and Vanessa. 
Hext, it's onto the main 
job of the day, the 
Tongue Tied promo 
video ftsetf. 

Everyone, apart 
from the backing 
vocalists in the Tongue 
Tied video. « a cat. As 
Kit Vanessa has a pair 
of pointed teeth to 
match Cat's teeth, but 
the models and dancers 

who are also cats don't have any Cat teeth, 
so Danny instructs them to keep their 
mouths closed. 

After Danny has done his thing with the 
models on stage, the other members of the 
Red Dwarf cast wander into the studio. 
Robert Llewellyn and Craig Charles are 
wearing dinner jackets and bow ties, which 
they claim make them look like sad 
accountants at a rotary club. Clayton Mark, 
meanwhile, is transformed into Elvis Presley 
by getting into his black leather gear. 

The three of them have come in to see 
the scene where Kit kisses Cat. They agree 
with Danny that there is something not 

quite right with the 
shot and he'll have to 
kiss Vanessa another 
twenty times before 
getting it right! Craig, 
meanwhile, is 
complaining that he 
still hasn't heard the 
song. Danny's 
adamant he sent him a 
tape to listen to, but all 
the postman brought 
was a lyric sheet. 

Craig and Robert 
were first approached 
by Danny about being 
in his video ages ago 
when the project was 
first conceived. "We 
said if it comes off we 
want to come and be in 
it," says Craig. "We've 
always wanted to be 
like the Rolling Stones. 
And I only heard last 
night that I was 
required on set at 4 
o'clock this afternoon." 
Clayton Mark also 
received a phone call 
out of the blue, two 
years after playing Elvis 
Presley in Red Dwarf IV. "He called me and 
said 'do you remember me?' and I said 'no' 
and he said 'I was on Red Dwarf' and I said 
'oh yeah, I remember you' and I said 'it 
would be a pleasure to work with you, 
because the guy is such a nice guy'." 
The filming is not running quite to 
schedule so they have to wait while Danny 
films another section, which is probably the 
most beautiful sequence in the video. Cat 
and Kit are both dressed in white for the 
middle-eighth where Cat begs Kit to listen 
to him. The statry backdrop for this is 
made out of a huge black drape with small 
light bulbs set into it, so everyone has to be 

Can we run past 

that bit just one 

more time? 

very careful walking on it. "Don't tread on 
the bulbs!" the Producer warns the models 
just as they are about to take their places. 

The other thing that could spoil the look 
of the set, apart from crushed bulbs 
underfoot, are dirty footprints over the 
carefully sweeped black floor. During the 

rehearse each section, film it, then go onto 
the next one. 

They decide to rehearse to the music, 
but as soon as the playback starts, Danny 
stops it again. "Hold on," he shouts, "no, 
no, no!" He tells them not to start at the 
very beginning, but where the vocals come 

getting in each other's way. Meanwhile, 
the crew are trying to get on with the next 
bit, but Craig and Robert are laughing too 
much. "I'm sorry, we're having a laugh," 
Craig says in between giggles. 

Robert Llewellyn clearly wasn't destined 
to be a dancer as he has trouble with 

afternoon, several people are shouted at 
when they inadvertently walk onto the set 
before wiping their feet. 

Between them, Danny and the 
choreographer explain to the girls how 
they want them to move. For this 
sequence Danny is wearing the Cat's black 
and yellow tiger-striped coat, but before 
the cameras roll he takes it off and so it 
never appears in the video. The middle 
eighth section is filmed twice over in the 
space of a few minutes before Danny 
rushes off to change into Duane Dibbley 
for the backing vocals section. 

"Because it's a dream sequence, the Cat 
has dreamt up his own backing band," 
Danny explains. "The backing vocalists are 
quite a strange mixture; Elvis, Robert 
Llewellyn - not Kryten, you notice that, 
Robert Llewellyn - and Craig Lister, who's a 
bit half and half, half Lister half Craig." 

The original idea was to have Robert 
Llewellyn in his Kryten make-up, but events 
conspired against this. "I think there was 
talk of that, but I begged," says Robert 
who finds the latex rubber mask very 
uncomfortable. "Plus 1 think there 
genuinely isn't a mask around at the 
moment because they've auctioned some." 

The foursome enter the black arena 
after carefully wiping their feet to work 
out their backing routine. Danny decides 
the most efficient way of doing it is to 

in. Robert, meanwhile, is still dancing to 
the beat and clapping his hands. "Once I 
got the rhythm I've got to keep going, I 
can't stop," he says. 

Robert clears his throat before going 
onto the next bit, right into Craig's ear. 
"Can you do that a bit louder, Rob?" Craig 
asks him as he tries to unblock his eardrum 
with his finger, "I'll just wipe the sputum 
out of my ear," he comments. 

With the first few backing vocals sorted 
out, they're onto the chorus. They work 
out a simple movement to accompany the 
point where the backing vocalists sing 
"tongue tied". As they sing the words, 
they have to bring down their hands. With 
that sorted, they decide to film it, but as 
Clayton, Danny and Robert all bring their 
hands down, Craig brings his hands up 
instead. They stop the filming as everyone 
collapses into laughter. "It's supposed to 
be me doing it wrong," says Danny 
through his Duane Dibbley teeth. 

The next part for the backing vocalists to 
sing is "whenever you are near me" and 
they devise a sweeping arm movement to 
go with it, but when they go for it, Robert 
just stands there as Clayton, Danny and 
Craig all move their arms in time with the 
music. "I can't work this out," says Robert. 
"Just follow Dan," Craig suggests, and 
demonstrates. They then alternately try 
out the arm movement until they are 

another move later on. He just can't seem 
to get the sexual thrusting right on 
"reproductive system, baby". Every time 
they do it, Robert is out of time. "What 
would you do if a girl was here?" Danny 
asks. "I'd go out and apologise," Robert 
jokes. The others show him how to do it 
three times before he finally gets the hang 
of it. 

Then the cameras film the four of them 
individually before they all go home to 
give everyone's laughing muscles a good 

By the end of the day's shooting, it is 
clear that the video is going to look great, 
and most people had a real giggle making 
it. It now just remains for everyone tq 
keep their fingers crossed that Tongue Tied 
is a hit. 

"I think it's gonna be awesome," says 
Craig. "You can wait and see, but I hope it 
does well because Danny's put a lot of hard 
work into it, so I hope it all goes well for 

"I hope so," agrees Robert. "The music 
industry is even more of a mystery to me 
than the television one, so I have no idea 
how it will happen, but I hope it does. I 
mean, I think the video will be great. I 
can't wait to see that." 




S 9 


Just in case you were feeling a bit left out because you've 
already entered our main "WIN THE CAT" competition, 
we've put together another competition exclusive to 
readers of the Red Dwarf Smegazine. Danny John-Jules 
has kindly put aside 25 copies of the special club mix of 
his Tongue Tied single for us to give away to people who 
can answer the following question: 

Who played the part of Elvis in Meltdown 
and in the new video for Tongue Tied? 

The club mix of the single is not available in the shops 
and each one will be individually autographed by Danny 
himsetf, so if you're very lucky you'll be the winner of a 
true Red Dwarf collectors' item. To enter, send your name 
address and answer on the back of a postcard (by 14th 
r, the dosing date) to: 

Red Dwarf Smegazine 

Fleetway Editions 
25-31 Tavistock Place 
London WC1H 9SU 

1st Prize: 

| A day out for 2 with 

Danny John-Jules 

PLUS - a set of Red 

Dwarf 1 videos, a 

Red Dwarf Omnibus 

(signed by Rob Grant 

and Doug Naylor), a 

Duane Dibbley T-shirt, 

a Red Dwarf Talking 

Book and a complete 

set of the Red Dwarf 


2 Runners-up 

All the above, apart 
from Danny himself! 

Danny John-Jules's single is out at last and to celebrate 
the fact, along with EMI we're running the most smeg- 
tastic Red Dwarf competition of all time - not only can 
you win a pile of Red Dwarf goodies, you can actually 
win a fantastic day out for yourself and a friend with 
the Cat himself... Danny John-Jules! Faithful readers 
had the opportunity to enter last issue, but for anyone 
who missed issue 6, we're giving you another chancel 
All you have to do is answer two musical Red Dwarf 
general knowledge questions, the first of which is: 

What was the name of the pop band 
Dave Lister used to be a member of? 

The second question can be found on the sleeve of 
Danny's Tongue Tied single. You also have to collect 
both of the special TABBY TOKENS before you send in 
your entry - token number two is on this page, but 
token number one is on or with the single. 

When you've got both tokens (NUMBER ONE from the 
record and NUMBER TWO from this of last issue) and the 
answers to both questions, put it all in an envelope with 
your name, address and a daytime 
telephone number and send it to: f ~~ T-^~^Z^*l 


Red Dwarf Smegazine 

Fleetway Editions 

25-31 Tavistock Place 

London WC1H9SU 

(Closing date: 14th December 1993) 


Entering the BBC Special Effects 
Workshop in West London is like going 
vrto another world. After passing 
trvoijgh a maze of corridors, you enter a 
-oof- *xxH»ng giant gnomes, toadstools 
= - : T---5' : ;;--= objects from long- 
forgotte'-. B8C shows. The workshop itself 
i-~ : :* ; -i =- z ca -• and is a hive of 
mooX malung activity Dotted around the 
room or oes*s covered in obscure-looking 
pieces of p-astx are members of the Red 
Dwarf effects tearr. a , engrossed in 
building spaceships 

Further into the bmkhng lies the model 
stage where all the sequences set in space 
and on alien worlds are filmed. Inside, 

5tarbug is suspended on wires in front of a 
black back-drop. The black cloth is covered 
in tiny holes and when lit from behind 
through a white sheet of paper, it turns 
into a starfield. The sprawling nebulae are 
actually white paint sprayed onto the cloth 
and lit from the front by coloured lights. 
When the coloured lights are switched off, 
the nebulae disappear. 

In previous years, each element of a 
sequence would be filmed separately and 
then merged together using a process 
called "matting". This would usually 
involve the camera making all the 
movements to simulate travelling through 
space, as opposed to moving the ship. But 

that method has been scrapped for the 
effects shots in Red Dwarf VI, as 
cameraman Peter Tyler explains: "We're 
doing everything in one go, we're not 
matting anything at the moment. Whereas 
before we used to shoot a spaceship 
against black, make a travelling mat of it 
and then put the stars on separately. That 
takes much longer. What we're doing 
now, we're doing everything in front of 
this star backing, and hanging the models 
on wires." 

The reason for changing the method of 
filming is down to Red Dwarf's tight 
budget and schedule. There are more 
shots to film for Series 6 and a limited 

amount of time. "It's about twice as much 
this year and half the money," says Peter. 
"We spent 34 days shooting last year and 
this year so far we're 1 5 days in, which is " 
half the time. But we will 
go to about 25 days I 
reckon, which is 10 days 
less. So it is less - less time, 
less money, more shots." 

Although the sequences 
look dramatic on screen, 
they appear very different 
when they are being 
filmed because everything 
is done very slowly. For 
most of the shots, the 
camera is run at around 4 
frames per second, as 
opposed to the normal 
running speed of 24 
frames per second. The 
camera and the crane, 
which holds the model 
Starbug, are both 
controlled by a computer. 
A program determines 
how both of them will 
move during a sequence, 
to create the shot. 

Using wires may save on 
filming time, but they 
cause an additional set of 
problems. The wires can 
sometimes shine under 
studio lights, which would 
spoil the illusion of being 

in space and ruin the 
shot. This is solved by 
Peter Tyler's little pot of 
magic paint. Any time he 
spots one of the wires 
shining, he approaches it 
armed with the paint pot 
and sprays mat-black 
powder paint onto the 
wires, which will 
hopefully disguise them. 
The other problem is 
that wires wobble. If the 
spaceships are wobbling 
when they are filmed, 
especially when filming 
so slowly, it will look 
shaky when it is played 
back at the correct speed. 
Peter denies this 
alternative method of 
filming will affect the 
quality of the special 
effects shots. "No," he 
says definitely. "It's more 
difficult. We're still using 
motion-control, we're 
using a computer to run 
the axis which moves the 
model on its wires, but as 
you've seen, we've had a 
lot of problems with 
getting the wires to 
settle out, stop swinging 
about, so that's slowed 
us down a bit." Each 
time a shot is set up, they 
have to leave the model 
stage to let the wires 
settle down. This means 
they get more tea 
breaks, but it is a 
frustratingly slow process. 

In the sequence where Starbug is flying 
through an asteroid field, even more wires 
have to be employed. The small rocks, 

made out of painted polystyrene, are 
thread onto wires suspended between two 
poles, like a washing line, while some of 
the larger asteroids in the foreground are 
stuck onto poles. 

It has taken Peter Tyler and his assistant 
Colin Watkinson, about a day to set up the 
asteroids before any filming can begin, 
which is indicative of how much work goes 
into creating an intricate shot like this. 
"It's all more complex this year," says Peter. 
"Like, this shot is just ridiculously 
complicated. When it ends up on screen 
they'll probably use about four seconds of 
it. It's taken us nearly a day to do it, but 
it's in the script so you've got to do it." 

Even though the process of turning a 
few words of description in a Red Dwarf 
script into something which will be shown 
on screen is time-consuming, it represents 
only a fraction of the time companies like 
George Lucas's Industrial Light and Magic 
(who have produced effects for everyone 
from Star Wars to Star Trek; The Next 
Generation) would take to do a similar shot 
for a feature film. "We couldn't do it any 
other way," insists Peter. "The traditional 
way, the ILM way of doing this, is to shoot 
most of those asteroids separately and mat 
them all together and spend a couple of 
weeks doing one shot, but we're not ILM, 
so we can't do that." 

The sequence where Starbug travels 
through the asteroids is filmed several 
times to make sure they get the shot in the 
can, but the number of times they would 
normally film a sequence varies, as Peter 
explains: "It depends how much it 
wobbles!" he laughs. "If it doesn't wobble 
at all we just do one, If it looks like it's 
wobbling we do another one to try and 
make it better." 

After they finish filming one sequence, 
the model stage has to be re-set for 
Starbug to be filmed flying through a 
different part of the asteroid field. 

Fortunately, this doesn't take too long as it 
just involves moving the asteroids around a 
bit and changing the camera angle. 

The shot description in the script is: "a 
tiny Starbug flies between a group of 
asteroids, all with wrecked spacecraft 
embedded in them", however the budget 
doesn't stretch to building several 
spaceships specially for one tiny shot. Most 
of the ships are more famous for appearing 
in other things and have been borrowed 
from other places, notably Peter's private 
model collection. One of the model ships is 
from Aliens and was made from "a really 
nasty kit". Star Trek fans may be able to 
spot a Klingon ship 
in the background. 
And other eagle- 
eyed viewers may 
recognise a ship 
from Space 1999. 
According to Peter, 
the large ship in the 
foreground has been knocking around for 
ages. "That's been used on all sorts of 
Unrigs,' he says, "Makes 7 originally, and 
Doctor Who." A less-famous ship 
suspended from a wire at the back was 
aesgned by Peter himself for a film he 
made at college. And the ship embedded 
hi neasterotd near the camera? "That's a 
on o* the Klingon ship," he admits, "a bit 

" !<J«i" 

; making the final adjustments 
" ; and spaceships, he hits his 
wires. All the 
plastic spaceships 
like a collection of 
washing fmm i a ga te f orce wind, ft will 
take a King tea break before they settle 
down again! 

For the beginning of the shot. Peter 
puts Starbug wry dose to the camera so it 
Starts very large in the frame, before 

"That's a bit of a 

Klingon ship that 

broke off!" 

blasting off into the distance. He says he 
would have liked more freedom to film 
intricate and interesting shots, but that 
hasn't been possible this year: "I had 
intended to have more dramatic angles of 
Starbug going into the asteroids. Starbug 
would have been bigger in frame at the 
start and had more depth, but it's just so 
much time to rig, which is time we haven't 

The Starbug being filmed among the 
asteroids is medium-sized, and one of a 
collection of five. As well as a second 
medium-sized ship, there are two bigger 
models for closer shots ■ one of them is 
used for crashing. 
There is one smaller 
one which is used for 
long shots where 
Starbug has to look 
really small, but Peter 
insists you can't tell 
they are different once 
they are on film. "They're all identical," he 

The medium-sized model is also more 
versatile. For an overhead shot, it is just 
suspended on its side from a couple of 
wires. The larger models are too heavy for 
that sort of thing, as the wires find it a 
strain even at a normal angle. Peter 
supervised most of the shots that involved 
the larger model by walking behind it just 
out of shot. This saved a lot of heartache 
during the early stages of filming when 
Starbug over-balanced, and he caught it 
just microseconds before it smashed to 
pieces on the ground! 

About halfway through the effects 
filming schedule there have been few near- 
disasters, but Peter seems reasonably 
pleased with the results. "One or two 
[shots] look a little bit shabby." he says. 
"Not too bad. Well, a bit simplistic, maybe, 

but there's no choice really. Like on this 
shot, it would have been nice to have the 
engines glowing, but that would be 
another run." The ship has to be filmed 
twice making the exact same movements; 
once with the engine lights switched on 
and once with them off. The two images 
are then merged to show the engines 
glowing. "We put the engines on 
separately to make them a lot brighter and 
have a filter in front of the lens to make 
them glow. It makes them a lot more 
interesting... [but it takes] twice the time to 
shoot it, and if it wobbled the second time 
we'd have to start again." 

The major problem facing the effects 
crew is the number of difficult shots they 
have to do. "There's nothing been simple 
yet," says Peter. "Sometimes [in previous 
series] we just had a shot in a hangar or 
something, with landing something and 
that's quite easy to do. There's nothing 
like that this year, because the basic way 
the series has gone has changed a lot. 
There's no Red Dwarf, so there's no landing 
or taking off in the hangar, which used to 
be stock footage we shot a couple of years 
ago. There's none of that, so all the stock 
footage has to be re-generated, has to be 
different. I suppose that's why we've got a 
lot more shots." 

A chart in the office by the model stage 
details the progress of the Red Dwarf VI 
model shots. Each shot is detailed by a 
pencil sketch. Those that have a red tick 
beside them have already been filmed, but 
at the halfway stage, less than half had 
been ticked off. It's almost certainly down 
to the skill and dedication of the effects 
team that the model shots for Red Dwarf 
VI were, in fact, completed (almost!) on 




with Adrian Rigelsford 


November 26th and 27th see the 
broadcast of the first new episodes of 
Doctor Who to be produced for 
television since 1989 - although 
they're somewhat shorter than 
normal. The Dimensions of Time 
consists of two episodes, both running 
under ten minutes, with part one 
going out during the mammoth 
Children In Need show on the Friday 
night and the finale due to be 
screened during a Who-orientated 
edition of Noel Edmond's House Parry 
the next day. 

All of the surviving Doctors, including 
the ever-popular Tom Baker, took part 
in the five days or so of filming, which 
started on September 22nd. The main 
bulk of the location work was done on 
the back lot of Albert Sqaure at the 
Elstree film studios in between filming 
for Eastenders, with other locations as 
varied as the Greenwich gasworks and 
the Cutty Sark. The shows boast brief 
appearances from many of the series 
past companions - varying from Louise 
Jameson as Leela, the Fourth Doctor's 
knife-wielding savage, to Debbie 
Watting as the late Patrick Troughton's 
fellow traveller, Victoria Waterfield. 
Kate O'Wara also returns as the 
villainous Rani, alongside a Dalek, a 
Cyberman, a few Tetraps and even 
Arthur Fowler I 

With the entire venture shot in 3D. the 
rumoured plans to produce the story 
as a send-up have been dropped, and 
the show has been logged in as an 
official entry to the Doctor Who 
canon, with a production code of '7R'. 
With a documentary due to be shown 
on BBC1 on Sunday 28th November, 
covering the whole history of the 
programme, as well as numerous short 
features on the show throughout the 
preceding week, it seems that the 
Time Lord will be celebrating his 
thirtieth anniversary in style after all 

feature films that are due to be made, 
starting with Star Trek VII - The Next 
Generation next year. 
Following on from episodes four and 
five, Season 7's first two-part story 
Gambit, comes Phantasm, which deals 
with Data's decidedly odd dreams 
(they include having Deanna Trai turn 
into chocolate ice cream, which he 
then goes on to eatl) Dark Page 
comes next, with Deanna's mother, 
Lwaxana Troi, making her first 
appearance in the series since Season 
5's episode Cost of Living, although 
the character did appear in the DS9 
first season episode. The Forsaken 
In Dark Page, Lwaxana goes into a 
coma and her daughter has to enter a 
mindlock with her, probing the very 
depths of her consciousness and, in 
doing so, she discovers a dark secret 
Finally, there's Attached, which is 
practically a remake of the classic 
thriller The Defiant Ones, and has 
Captain Picard and Beverley Crusher 
captured and chained together When 
they escape and have to make their 
way across the surface of a planet, the 
truth behind their relationship is at last 
revealed I 

With only four tapes of CIC's releases 
of TTie Next Generation to go before 
they reach the start of Season 7, the 
dramatic conclusion to Season 6's 
cliffhanger. Descent, should be 
available to buy shortly into the New 


A warning to all comedy fanatics! 
BBC Video have unleashed some 
seriously vintage PRD (Pre-Red Dwarf) 
humour, in the shape of two videos: 
The Very Best of Dad's Army and The 
Very fiesf of Steptoe - two of the 
founding fathers of British sit-coms. 
With Dad's Army enjoying a hugely 
successful run on the BBC at the 
moment, the timing of the tape could 
not have been better. 

The series began in 1 968 and 
spanned nine years, with scripts by 
David Croft and Jimmy Perry, who 
would later go on to create 
another period piece of a very 
different kind in Hi DeHi. Steptoe 
was created by Ray Galton and 
Alan Simpson, who had spent the 
1 950s and early 60s writing for the 
legendary Hancock's Half Hour. 
The tales of the junkmen started as 
a pilot m the Comedy Playhouse 




Work is progressing rapidly on the 
final season of Star Trek; The Next 
Generation, although - amongst 
others - Patrick Stewart is now being 
quoted in the press as saying that the 
series might continue alongside the 

several series during the early 60s 
before a four year break saw the show 
reemerge in colour in 1 970 for a 
further run. 

The Dad's Army tape consists of The 
Day The Balloon Went Up, Sons of the 
Sea, The Two and a Half Feathers, 
Asleep in the Deep and TTie Deadly 

Attachment (the famous episode 
featuring the U-Boat crew caught in 
the local harbour and the ensuing 
farce when it's left to the Home Guard 
to hold them prisoner). Steptoe 
features Upstairs, Downstairs, Upstairs, 
Downstairs, followed by TTie Bath, 
Pom Yesterday. Seance in a Wet Rag 
and Bone Yard and And So to Bed 
We gave five pairs of the two tapes to 
give away, courtesy of BBC Video All 
you have to do is name a sit -com that 
features Chris Barrie other than Red 
Dwarf. Could it be any easier? Put 
>„ur answer on the back of a postcard 
with your name and address, clearly 
write 'BEST OF' GIVEAWAY on the 
front and send it to the usual 
Smegazine address. 

Dad's Amy 


Lister's dreams have come true... both 
Betty Rubble and Wilma Flintstone are 
as real as he is now! Following on 
from the unprecedented success of a 
certain film with dinosaurs, Steven 
Spielberg's production company, 
Amblin Entertainment, have just 
completed all the live action filming on 
The Flintstones - The Movie, and 
there's certainly more than one 
dinosaur in this one as well 
John Goodman, familiar as Roseanne's 
husband in Roseanne, takes on the 
role of Fred Flintstone, while Rick 
Moranis plays Barney Rubble. The 
numerous monster effects were 
handled by Jim Henson's Creature 
Workshop, familiar for their work On - 
apart from 7Tie Muppets- The 
Storyteller and TTie Storyteller - Greek 
Myths. Among other things, they had 
to build a full size brontosaurus to 
work in the quarry and a life size 
version of Fred's adoring pet, Dino 
Although the filming is finished and 
edited together, there's months of 
special effects work ahead, using the 
same that were created for that 
certain other dinosaur film, to create 
even more creatures and make them 
as realistic as possible. The technology 
has progressed so rapidly since the last 
prehistoric film outing that The 
Flmtstones may well make Jurassic 
Park look tame by comparison, 
damn! Mentioned it after all 1 


Bottom fans, prepare for news that 
nobody expected! It seems that there 
will be a third series, despite 
speculation that the show had come 
to an end Rik MayaH and Ade 
Edmonson had a great success with 
the stage version of the show, which 
has recently been released on video, 
and are preparing to give viewers 
more of their stuff - Ooo-erl... 
Timefyers is a detective series with a 
difference, the heroes are detectives 
from the future who travel back to the 
past to stop vital events happening 
that will disrupt the harmonious world 
of their own time period... 
Steven Spielberg's latest TV epic, Sea 
Quest DSV, has debuted to massive 
audiences in the USA, though critical 
reaction has been less favourable. The 
series is expected to turn up on ITV 
before the end of this year... 
Meanwhile, the new live-action 
Superman TV show, Lews and Clark: 
The New Adventures of Superman has 
fared less well with its initial audience 
rating (clashing directly with Sea Quest 
on its opening night), but has been 
better received by the critics for its 
fresh and humorous approach to the 
year's most talked about dead-then- 
alive-again superhero 







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Deaf RDS, 

I've been a devoted fan of RD since 
'Future Echoes" was first screened 
and I could see then that it was 
going to be a hit. Unfortunately, 
only been getting RDS since issue 
(vol.1) as I couldn't find anywher* 
that sold it, but now (luckily) they 
are popping up everywhere! 
I've not only written to compliment 
you on such a brilliant magazine 
{grovel, grovel), but to start a new 
competition (well, more like an 
ongoing argument) for the "Oldest 
Red Dwarf Fan". Whilst chatting to 
my Grandpa (86) the other day I was 
surprised to find that he is also a 
great fan of RD - does this make him 
the oldest RD fan? 
Also, once RD Vt is out, will there be 
a Red Dwarf Programme Guide 
Volume 2? And in The Official Red 
Dwarf Companion it says that the 
Justice set (the one that looks very 
similar to the Gamesmaster set) was 
"built for Justice", whereas RDS 
No 2. Vol. 2 says that it is Sunbury 
Pump House. Which is correct (need 
I ask)? Also in TORDC (page 79), 

an early version of the Starbug 
cockpit, so is not on Red Dwarf at all! 
Recognise it now? As for the 
Programme Guide (not to be 
confused with the aforementioned 
Companion), I understand that an 
updated version is in the works to 
take account of Series 6 and all the 
new merchandise that has appeared 
since the book's original release 
earlier this year. And on the 
question of "the Oldest Red Dwarf 
Fan", all I can say is, here we go 

Dear smeg heads. 

Read this and weep... We only didn't 
tell you earlier because we didn't 
want to "steal your thunder". We 
went to the filming of "Legion" and 
my younger brother, who was always 
the smart one (maybe that's why he's 
in Oxford) had the gall to ask Danny 
John-Jules for the "space weevil" 
(complete with Craig Charles's teeth 
marks), so we've got it! 
Lucy Mumford. Ian Cattle, Dermot 
Pearson, Roland Mumford and Andy 
Warming ton, Hull (and elsewhere). 

Red Dwarfs 
ny of the 

Well, aren't you the lucky ones? 1 
for the record, that's Ian an the left 
Dermot on the right and the space 
weevil in the middle of the picture. 
By the hungry look on Dermot's face, 
I reckon he's probably eaten it by 
now, though I 

Dear Mike, 

I totally agree with Ian Jackson's 
letter in issue S about the Smegazine 
seeming to cater for science fiction 
fans rather than comedy. I watch 
Red Dwarf not because it is sci-fi, but 
because it is comedy and, likewise, if 

I wanted to buy a science fiction 
mag, I'd go out and get Docror Who 
or Star Trek monthly! Please give 
some serious thought to this, or I 
shall have to think about not buying 
your otherwise excellent mag 

Melanie Delaney - Die-hard comedy 
fan (but not a fan of Die Hard) - 

Serious thought to comedy, eh? 
Now there's a concept Melanie. 
You're right about the need to strike 
a balance between humour and 
science fiction in the Smegazine. 
though, and you can be sure this is 
something we are working hard to 
achieve here. Watch out soon for 
the 'Anorak Ratings', a system by 
which we (and you) will be able to 
grade everything in the Red Dwarf 
magazine from "suitable for all 
normal human beings who have a 
life" right up to "approach only if 
wearing heavy duty fur-lined 
rainwear and your name is Duane 

Dear Potato King, 
Howdiddly doodlydoo? No, it's not 
the Toaster, but I have been with you 
since issue 1 . I like Ian Jackson's idea 
of including soph isti comedies, but 
how about including 'Married With 
Children', 'Sledge Hammer', 'Sean's 
Show' and 'Jack Dee'? Also. I don't 
think it should be under 'News from 
the Omni-Zone', but another section 
called 'Red-dy for a Latf or 

I think you should do a story on how 
Jake Bullet, Duane Dibbley, Sebastian 
Doyle and Billy Doyle ended up in 
Red Dwarf - the TIV game. I enjoyed 
Time After Time', but you got it 
wrong. After Parallel Universe, Holly 

(Hilly), so he modelled his/her face on 
her So why did Holly keep asking 
Cat how he/she should look? Get out 
of that one, smeg heads!!! 
Geoffrey (I'm not a Quagaar) Owen, 
Merthyr Tydfil. 

More interest on the comedy strand? 
I think we're onto something here ■ 
and you'll notice that this issue's 
Omni-Zone does indeed include 
comedy references for the first time. 
The sinister (and rather sad) events 
that led up to Sebastian and Billy 
Doyle entering the Red Dwarf TIV 
game are due to be recounted in 
these pages soon, so watch out for 
that. And Holly's behaviour in 'Time 
After Time'? Well, it doesn't seem 
unlikely to me that the erratic 
computer would experiment a bit 
with his new look before settling on 
a straight copy of his lost love Hilly. 
What we saw in the story was the 
very act of him 'modelling' his new 
face on hers. 

Dear RDS. 

Please could you tell me the address 

of The Red Dwarf fan Club and how 

much it costs to join? 

John Boland, Banbury. 

but just for you. here :t is again; The 
Official Red Dwarf Fan Club, P.O.Box 
3013, London N3 3DF. Drop them a 
tine and they'll send you full details 
of the dub and the cost to join, but 
please remember to send them a 
stamped addressed envelope. 

Sister Hoi! 

Did you know there was a rock band 
called 'The Duane Dibbley 
Experience'? They played in 
Harrogate on 31st August at the 
Conference Centre. Well, what I 
want to know is whether they have 
anything to do with the most fab TV 
show ever (Red Dwarf, in case you 
hadn't guessed!) or whether they are 
just breaking the copyright law, 
P r 1 1 Fowler, Harrogate. 

Can't say I've heard of them, Pru, so 
it seems probable that - strictly 
speaking - they are gambling with 
the copyright laws rather, but what I 
want to know is: Did you go and see 
them and were they any good? 

Dear Holly-grams. 
This is Tony 'Hologram' Stafford, 
who was possibly separated at birth 
from Rimmer. He even sports an 
identical 'H'. Please print this letter 
and his photo in your Smegazine to 
see if any humanoids agree with me. 
Pam Buckley, Chadderton. 

Well. I agree with you, Pam. 
count as a humanoid. I sup, 
will start a Red Dwarf cl 
lookalike craze now. Is there anyone 
out there who is the spitting image 
of the curry monster from DNA? 


Red Dwarf Smegazine 
Fleetway Editions 

25-31 Tavistock Place 
London WC1H9SU 


Plus, we talk to former 

Vic and Series 6 guest 

star, Anita Dobson, 
we experience a day in 

the life of Danny 
John-Jules and we take 

a further look 

behind-the-scenes on 

Red Dwarf VI. 

Don't miss the official 
Red Dwarf Smegazine 

No.8! It's on sale 

November 25th - that's 

Gazpacho Soup Day 

to you! 

avprzh&s tmu. Be f**s**T aec*= AFief* 

ptma&eo^ cgacmast/gaikp, &*&&<&£>■ fvt-*y <m&£7?>&Le /nans?*.. 


In Psirens, the first episode of Red Dwarf VI, 
writers Rob Grant and Doug Naylor update 
the ancient Greek legend of the Sirens - 
beautiful women who use their hypnotic 
powers to lure sailors to their deaths. In the 
Red Dwarf version, the Psirens are a deadly 
race of telepathic insectoid creatures who 
can appear as the crew's greatest objects of 
desire. To Kryten, a mechanoid immune to 
the most obvious lustful emotions, one of 
the Psirens appears as his creator. Professor 
Mamet, played by veteran film and stage 
actress, Jenny Agutter. 

While a small cameo role in the latest 
series of Red Dwarf may appear to be a 
strange choice indeed for the classically 
trained actress, to Jenny it's just the latest in 
a string of science fiction and fantasy related 
projects she's appeared in. Her previous 
genre credits include Logan's Run, American 
Werewolf In London, Darkman and the ill- 
fated Child's Play 2. 

"It's not my favourite area of film, but my 
tastes are so eclectic, I suppose it can be," 
Jenny admits. "It depends entirely on what 
sort of film is being made. From an actor's 
standpoint, [science fiction is] generally fun 
to do. What's good about [Psirens) is it's a 
very good and very funny script, but on the 
whole most science fiction is very hard on 
the actor because it's all about technical 
stuff. When I did Logan's Run, I spent most 
of my time acting to blue cloths! 

"It does make it quite difficult to act to 
nothing," she laughs. "Classical training 
does not help you to act to nothing. The 
whole idea of acting is to respond to 
somebody. I can't imagine how hard Roger 
Rabbit must have been to do. As an actor 

I spent a week 
on Logan's Run in 
a power station t 
just like this! 

:■_**. 'it's easy to do' or 'it's not easy, but it 
W» to do' and if the film or TV programme 
orta. then that's terrific. One always wants 
: He dong something good and to be 
] *Mth good people. 
-e is some science fiction I wouldn't 
• be remembered for," Jenny 
B, however. "I can't say I'm 

r thrilled with what Child's Play It 
tmri MB. K was a very good gothic script 
r- we •vrrct genre which worked very well, 
out by *e *ne we got halfway through 
ftaing tfvy Made so many cuts in the scenes 

it was almost impossible to make it work. 
That was a shame." Fortunately, not all of 
Jenny's experiences in the genre have turned 
out so disapointingly. "In terms of films, I'm 
very happy with An American Werewolf in 
London. That was a terrific film. I also did a 
couple of day's work on Darkman, which was 
quite interesting, and now I'm playing 
Professor Mamet. It was simply sent to me as 
a script and [they asked] would I be 
interested? I thought the script was very 
funny and extremely good, so I said yes. I 
knew of Red Dwarf, but I hadn't actually 
seen it. I shall now be glued to the TV 
watching it." 

As Professor 
Mamet, Jenny 
confronts Kryten in 
the darkened 
recesses of Starbug's 
engine room and 
commands the 
helpless mechanoid 
to self destruct by 
placing himself 
inside the ship's 
garbage compactor. 
The scene was 
actually filmed on a 
cold February 
afternoon in 
London's Bankside 
Power Station. "I 
spent a week on 
Logan's Run in a 
power station just 
like this," she 
shivers, pulling her 
heavy blue ski jacket 
aroung her 
shoulders to keep 
warm. "[We were] 
just running up and 
down the corridors, 
shouting 'No, 
Logan!' and being 
wet down every day. 
That was also shot 
very, very slowly; it 
took a long time to 

Jenny's career has 
taken a few new 
turns recently, due 
to at least one 
development in her 
personal life. "I've 
limited what I've 
been doing until 
recently," she explains, "partly because I had 
a little boy two years ago. Consequently, 
I've done some television, but kept it to 
short periods of time. That's why Red Dwarf 
was a wonderful one to do. It's been an 
interesting time for me recently and I've 
been doing all sorts of things. I've done 
some radio and I'm very much involved in 
putting together a children's project myself. 
It's funny, but I suppose so much energy 
goes into bringing up a child, you then want 
to use that same energy in your work in 
some way, I just can't find enough hours in 
the day." 




Jane Killick visits DOCTOR WHO: THE AUCTION II and wonders why they didn't call it RED DWARF: THE AUCTION I... 

"Go and entertain the crowds," th 
hassled organiser of the auction 
ordered a rather bemused Dalek. 
The red pepper pot trundled out of 
the hall to point its sink plunger at 
the gathering of people in Red 
Dwarf T-shirts waiting outside. He 
was joined by several Cybermen 
who waved their laser guns at the 
crowd until they were allowed 
through the doors of a replica 
TAROIS and into the auction hall. 

Displayed on tables around the 
hall were various props, costumes 
and photographs, many of them 
from Red Dwarf. It may have been 
called Doctor Who: The Auction II, 
but most of the interest obviously 
was in Red Dwarf. The morning 
session was reserved for ogling the 
various items that would be sold off 
in the afternoon, including a 
genuine Kryten mask, a Leopard Lager can 
(minus intoxicating liquid). Lister's T-shirts 
and Kryten's hand. Meanwhile, a Doctor 
Who guest was busy signing autographs 
and chatting to fans. It was good to see 
that Nicholas Courtney (who has played 
Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart alongside 
many a Doctor) was a very affable guest, 
un phased by the Red Dwarf presence. 

Just as he was settling down to watch 
some Doctor Who out-takes being shown 
on two video screens, the Red Dwarf 
guests arrived. Hattie Hayridge needed 
no introduction, she was spotted soon 
after entering the hall and fans swiftly 
formed an orderly autograph queue. 
Then it was lunchtime and time to get 
ready for the auction proper. 

The organiser of the auction was 
determined to make it just as much an 
event, as a chance to sell things. He had 
persuaded his friends to spend all day in 
hot Cyberman suits and to carry out all the 
dogsbody tasks. He had even roped in his 
mum to help! So naturally, the afternoon 
wasn't just a matter of packing everybody 
into the hall and starting the bidding. The 
lights dimmed, the music began and the 
curtains opened to reveal the inside of the 
TARDIS draped with white smoke which 
spilled over the edge of the stage into the 

Then wading through the smoke onto 
the stage came auctioneer Nick Briggs. He 


was joined by Nicholas Courtney to open 
the bidding on the Doctor Who items. 
Things started slowly, but picked up 
gradually as people began to realise they 
were supposed to be there to spend 
The two Nicks took the bids in an 

entertaining style until it was Red Dwarf 
time. The auctioneer pointed a remote 
control at the ceiling and a pyrotechnic 
exploded, sending sparks over the stage. 
At least, that was what was supposed to 
happen. In fact, it took several attempts 
to get the pyrotechnic to fire, which was 

just as entertaining as the special effect 
itself. Then there was more smoke, a blast 
of music (a specially recorded version of 
the Red Dwarf theme) and Danny John- 
Jules came bounding onto the stage, 
looking quite different to the Cat with his 
beard and peaked cap. 

He was joined by Hattie Hayridge who 
became Holly again for a few moments by 
appearing on two large television screens 
either side of the stage. Then everybody 
waited for the next bit. Holly made 
several attempts to speak, but nobody 
heard a word. Then someone was seen 
handing Hattie a microphone. She 
managed to get out one "Awooga" 
before the stand-by microphone went 
"PHUTZ!" and packed-up entirely. Hattie 
then sensibly joined Danny on stage. 

The bidding really hotted up with the 
Red Dwarf items and they started 
following a pattern after a while. Danny 
and Hattie would show off the costume or 
prop to the audience and the auctioneer 
would say "shall we start the bidding at 
£20?", at which point a forest of hands 
would shoot up. Then the price would go 
up in increments of £10 until the hands 
thinned out a bit. One of Lister's 'Zero G 
Football' T-shirts from the first and second 
series went for £210; Hudzen 10's helmet 
sold for £200; while Kryten's mask reached 

To liven up the proceedings even 
further, Danny decided to play a tape of 
his new record, Tongue Tied, to the 
audience. Unfortunately, the tape wasn't 
in the right place because Hattie had been 

listening to it at lunchtime, so the 
audience were also treated to five 
minutes-worth of the tape being re-cued! 
The tape soon became a late entry to the 
auction as Danny spontaneously opened 
the bidding. Then he left the auctioneer 
to it while he disappeared backstage 

again to find his version of the Red Dwarf 
theme (more re-cueing of tape), while 
Hattie kept everyone laughing with a few 
jokes. When the bids died down again, 
Danny explained that he'd also recorded a 
Doctor Who mix, and to prove it he played 
it {once again after several minutes trying 
to find the right point on the tape). With 
all that hype he managed to push the 
price up to £210. 

Danny then signed a few autographs 
while the auction returned to the less 
frantic procedure of selling some Blakes 7 
and Star Cops items. 

With Hattie and Danny dashing off for 
their evening appointments, the hall was 
left to battle over the desirable items 
which had been saved until the end, 
notably Kryten's spidery hand from 
Terrorform which fetched £320. 

At the end of the day, the queue of 
people waiting expectantly to pay for 
their goodies stretched back quite far, 
showing that things weren't snapped up 
by a handful of collectors and the majority 
of people went away with something. 

The guests made the event extra 
special, but thanks must also go to Mark 
Short who did every British Telecom 
shareholder a favour by organising the 
whole thing. He'd like to pass on his 
thanks to Grant Naylor Productions and 
Peter Wragg and Mike Tucker at BBC 
Visual Effects, who between them helped 
raise £1100 of the £2000 pounds going to 
charity (mostly for Cot Death Research and 
Support). As the organiser put it himself, 
"not bad for items destined for the skip!" 


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